The Fourth Date: Kink Talk

Some groundwork for kinky folks from a research nerd.

Episode 3 is now available on Spotify.

First – don’t “yuck” somebody’s “yum”! This means, don’t react negatively to what may be someone else’s pleasure. According to Misch Barber Way from AskMen.com (2018), “Taboo refers to practices that are generally prohibited because of religious or social pressures.” A “yuck” could be considered a taboo to some, and a “yum” could be a fetish or kink to others. Conversations related to kink and fetish should be dealt with in a way that allows transparency and acceptance of all parties, even if something isn’t your “thing”.

Second – a kink can be a fetish, but a fetish can’t be a kink. The terms “kink” and “fetish” are often used interchangeably, but there are distinct differences. According to Kelsey Borresen (2018): “Kink is a broader term that encompasses a bunch of alternative sexual interests, preferences or fantasies that go beyond your run-of-the-mill missionary sex. It might include BDSM, roleplaying or impact play such as spanking and whipping.” A fetish, on the other hand, “is a sexual fixation on a specific object or act that is absolutely necessary to a person’s sexual gratification. Often, it’s something that may not be inherently sexual, like shoes, leather or sploshing.” Furthermore, a sexual fixation on a particular body part (such as feet, hands, butt or boobs) is known as “partialism.” (Borresen, 2018).

According to sex educator with the moniker Dirty Lola (2018), “a fetish is heavily tied to having a psychological need for those specific objects or acts in order to experience pleasure and or orgasm, whereas kinks can add to a sexual experience but aren’t necessarily needed to achieve sexual release,” (Borresen, 2018). Allison Stevenson (2017) adds that, “fetishists need their fetish to be a part of sexual intimacy, and often times can replace ‘traditional’ sexual intimacy entirely.” Furthermore, psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez details that “fetishes generally develop early in a person’s life and can be based on experiences during childhood or adolescence.” She continues with, “[fetishes are] reinforced by desire and pleasure found in engaging in that behavior. Most fetishes develop from early life experiences and are patterns and behaviors that grow as the person develops sexually,” (Borresen, 2018).

I also want to make sure that I mention that paraphilic disorders are “recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors that are distressing or disabling and that involve inanimate objects, children or nonconsenting adults, or suffering or humiliation of oneself or the partner with the potential to cause harm,” (Brown, 2017). “People may have paraphilic interests but not meet the criteria for a paraphilic disorder,” Dr. Brown (2017) adds. “The unconventional sexual arousal patterns in paraphilias are considered pathologic disorders only when both of the following apply: 1) They are intense and persistent. 2) They cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning, or they harm or have the potential to harm others.”

Third – What are some things considered to be kinks or fetishes? Nooky Box (2018) provided a helpful list of some more commonly-known kinks and fetishes:

1) BDSM
Bondage/Discipline Domination/Submission Sadism/Masochism (Linden, 2015) – can be sexual or nonsexual. Can include activities such as impact play (bondage, restraints, spanking, etc.), humiliation, or any of the other kinks and fetishes listed below.

2) Roleplay

3) Age Play
“Ageplay is the idea of role playing someone of a different age than you biologically are. Many ageplayers prefer picking a role in the younger ages such as an infant, a toddler, a younger child, or a teenager. The specific age someone prefers will be unique to the person themselves,” (Kinkly.com, 2017).

4) Hosiery

5) Fluid Bonding
“To be fluid bonded means to engage in unprotected sex with one other individual, in an exchange where both partners have agreed to be monogamous, but only in regards to the exchange of their bodily fluids. Partners may interact with others in a sexual way, but have agreed not to have unprotected sex with anyone outside their monogamous, fluid bonded relationship. Usually, couples that decide to become fluid bonded have been tested for STDs and have shared the resulting information with their partner,” (Kinkly.com, 2019a).

6) Feet

7) Submissive Males

8) Humiliation
(Which can be a part of BDSM or separate) Typically suggested by the submissive, or “bottom”, as a way for the Dom/Domme, or “top” to emotionally exploit them. Obviously, consent and psychological wellbeing and stability are HUGE here.

9) Amazonian Women,
sometimes called “macrophilia”

10) Voyeurism
“A voyeur habitually seeks sexual gratification through visual means. Most often, a voyeur receives pleasure from viewing activities that are private. These activities include individuals undressing or that are partially undressed, individuals engaged in sexual activities both alone and with others. For most, watching private activities is most stimulating when the individuals being watched are unaware. That said, a similar fantasy can be enacted with all participants' consent,” (Kinkly.com, 2019b).

11) Exhibitionism
            “One of the most common types of exhibitionism is known as flashing, where an individual will quickly expose their genitals or breasts to get a rise out of those around them. Mooning, or exposing one’s buttocks, is another form of exhibitionism. Streaking, which is more for shock value than sexual purposes, involves stripping down naked and then running through a public place.” There are other forms of exhibitionism, including anasyrma and candaulism (Dr. Patti Britton, 2013).

12) CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
The act(s) of inflicting intentional pain on the penis and/or testicles of a consenting partner. Acts include ball bursting, ball stretching, ball crushing, needle play, urethral play, knife play, sensation/temperature play, genital bondage, electrostimulation, genital spanking, creams/oils (like icy/hot or chili oil) (Uberkinky.com, 2018).

13) Erotic electrostimulation or Electric play
“Electrical play is any type of BDSM play (sexual or non-sexual) where electricity is used on the body to create different sensations. The most common electrical toys are neon /violet wands and TENS units,” (Kinkly.com, 2019c).

14) Sploshing or “wet and messy” fetishism.
“Sploshing is a term used to describe a sexual fetish that involves smearing the body with wet and messy substances. The most common substances used during sploshing are food items, including whipped cream, chocolate sauce, custard, cake and condiments, just to name a few. Other messy substances, such as mud, can also be used. Individuals aroused by sploshing are sexually aroused by watching someone get messy or by the feeling of these substances being smeared on their own skin,” (Kinkly.com, 2019d).

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RECAP: During the interview, I mentioned the article from Salty regarding pegging, and I want to add to that a little bit. According to Salty (2019), “’Pegging’ was coined by sex columnist and podcast host Dan Savage and it is the act of penetrating the prostate using a strap-on. It’s a practice that lesbians have been into for ages, but in the last few years, a growing number of men have caught on too. After all, there is indeed a gland in their ass that can make them cum.”

A link to the article from SaltyWorld.Net, titled “How to Talk to Straight Dudes about Pegging”, can be found in the reference section below or clicking the link.

References

Borresen, Kelsey (2018)
Britton, P. (2013)
Brown, G. R. (2017)
Chavez, S. (n.d.)
Kinkly.com (2017)
Kinkly.com (2019a)
Kinkly.com (2019b)
Kinkly.com (2019c)
Kinkly.com (2019d)
Linden, David J. (2015)
Way, M. B. (AskMen.Com, n.d.)
Nooky Box (2018)
SaltyWorld.Net (2019)
SexEDAGoGo (Dirty Lola)
Stevenson, A. (2017)
Uberkinky (2018)